Mine and Mine Alone
by Lu78
Summary: AU, back story. My thoughts on why Addison was so upset at the loss of the baby in 3.07


A.N – My first attempt at a Greys Anatomy fic. It's AU, a little back story from my imagination as to why Addison was so upset at the death of the baby in the womb in episode 307, Where the Boys are? So here I go.

Addison POV

Standing there with Callie at my shoulder, I wasn't sure what to think. I knew exactly what I wanted to do but I couldn't, I had a job to do, I had to be responsible, not the real me in other words. The real me wanted to run as far away from the building as possible, curl up in a ball, preferable in my now ex-husbands arms and cry. I could see the tears in Callie's eyes but would not allow my own to come. Watching the young couple break down in one another's arms with their stillborn child between them was enough to break anyone, but not me. I couldn't, not here.

Derek's POV

I just got back after a few days camping out. Days that were supposed to be filled with just Preston, fishing and camping and me. But no almost the entire male population of Seattle, (Okay slight exaggeration) cam along with us. I needed to be back today, but only the chief knew why.

Walking into the hospital, there was an air of melancholy about the place. Something was off. Had they had a bad day? Was someone ill? I needed to know what had happened. I went up to Doctor Torres who look suspiciously like she had been crying. "Doctor Torres, have you seen Addison about any where?"

"She had a bad day and left a while back. She was really quiet after it happened, didn't speak to anyone." Callie answered.

"After what happened?" I was anxious to find out what had made Addison so withdrawn. "Doctor Torres. Callie!!!!"" I tried to get her attention. Suddenly she turned to me. "After what happened?"

"Oh sorry, her patient today came in healthy but the baby had died in the womb and she had to deliver. It was so sad to watch."

My stomach dropped at the thought of Addison going through that today. I muttered thanks to Callie before dashing from the hospital, almost as quickly as I entered it. Where could she be?

I tried all her usual haunts but to no avail. I couldn't find her anywhere. The only logical place for her to be would be the hotel. I stepped up to the reception desk. "Excuse me, I was wondering if Doctor Montgomery was in her room?" I asked the young girl behind the desk.

"She is in sir. You wouldn't by any chance be Doctor Shepard?" I nodded. She just smiled at me.

Addison's POV

Well I got part of my wish; I am lying here in my bed curled in a ball staring at the two pictures I feel redefine my life. Why can't life be simple, why does it have to be so hard?

Derek's POV

I managed to convince the young girl behind the desk to give me a key to Addison's room. I just can't imagine what she is gong through today of all days; I reached her door about five minutes ago and can't make myself open it.

The room is in darkness, save a small flickering light from the direction of the bed. That's where I find her curled on the bed staring at our photos with a small cupcake with a lit candle in it. She is so still I fear she has fallen asleep, but as she sniffs I know she is awake. "Addi, it's me." I cautiously move closer to the bed, she doesn't object so kicking off my shoes I climb on to the bed beside her.

"He would have been six today."

"I know baby, I know." My throat suddenly feels tight. I glance up to the photo frame and smile remembering when the first photograph was taken. We are smiling like Cheshire cats, attending my youngest sisters wedding.

_Flashback_

_The day had gone swimmingly. Georgia was a beautiful bride, not as beautiful as Addison, Derek had commented. Everyone could see how happy the Shepard family were, especially Derek and Addison. She was blooming with pregnancy, almost eight months. He stood behind her, with both their hands on the bump of her stomach. The smiles on their faces were going to be hard to move. Someone captured the moment to a tee._

_End Flashback_

Glancing at the other photo, I could feel the tears in my eyes begin to spill down my cheeks. I already knew Addison was crying again. Her body shook against mine. How could she have worked today? Of course, we were all away so she would have to work. In the six years, I have never known her to work this day.

The other photo was taken on Christmas day. A sad day all around, no one knowing how to react around us. We just wanted a normal day. But it would never be a normal day again.

_Flashback_

_The lights twinkled from the tree. Addison stood back from the crowd. Watching all Derek's nieces and nephews ripping the paper from their presents was usually fun to watch, but she knew someone new should have been there this year. Derek approached her and wrapped his arms around her. She tried to smile, he could see the slight curve of her lip, but knew she didn't have it in her. He kissed her cheek and whispered something in her ear._

_His parents watched from a distance and hurt for them. The haunted look in her eyes was killing them. They wanted to make it better for them but for this they didn't know what to do. She was so thin, her skin was dull, her hair lifeless and that was one thing that they knew Addison's hair not to be. She looked so weak and vulnerable and that was no way to describe their daughter-in-law. But no one knew how to comfort her. No one else in the room had lost a child. _

_"Annie Addi, Where baby Nicwas?" Three-year-old Emmy pulled on her aunts sweater to get her attention. The entire room gasped._

_Addison looked down to the angelic looking child in front of her. She crouched down before Emmy's mother Alicia could get her. Lifting the child into her arms seemed to take a lot out of her. "He's not here sweetheart. He's gone to live with God and the angels in heaven." Addison explained in a child like way._

_"Why?" _

_"God thought he was extra special and decided that Nicholas should go and live with him." Everyone could hear the sob catching in Addison's throat._

_"I wanted to play wif him." The child murmured._

_"Me too baby, me too." Addison said before putting Emmy on the ground and turning in Derek's arms. He held her and she sobbed for their son who died in his mother's womb. _

_End flashback._

My nephew Jordan had taken the picture on his new digital camera. He had apologised when his mother found the picture on the computer, but it had captured the moment and I felt it was a beautiful picture of Addison and I, even if it had caught us at one of our lowest ebb's.

Addison had stopped shaking in my arms. "Happy birthday Nicholas Derek Shepard." She whispered before she blew the candle on the cupcake out.

"We love you buddy." I managed to choke out before I succumbed to the tears again. Wrapping Addison into my arms, I rock her until we eventually fall asleep.

Addison's POV

My head and my heart feel heavy this morning and I know why. I cried so much yesterday. Feeling the arms around me I sink back into them knowing who is right behind me. Yesterday has to be the worst anniversary of my son's death I have ever experienced. I don't normally work on that day but yesterday it was a necessity. The boys were all away and I was needed so I did the dutiful thing and went to work, my heart already heavy.

When Jaime lost her baby I wanted to cry with her. I knew what she was going through, pushing your child from your body, only to hold the lifeless body in your arms wishing to every higher source that he will take one little breath and open his eyes to look at you. I remember the day so vividly.

_Flashback_

_"I can't do it Derek." She cried through her tears. Everyone in the room was in tears for her. Doctor Addison Montgomery Shepard was very well loved in the hospital and when it became known what she was in for the hearts of everyone in the hospital went out to her._

_"I know you're tired darling, but you have to." Derek wiped the beads of perspiration from her face. He was trying so hard to hold back his own tears but it wasn't working that well. His son was gone but his wife had to endure giving birth to him._

_"One last push Addison." Charlotte O'Neill, Addison friend and co-worker told her._

_With all she had left in her Addison gave one last push as she felt her son leaving her. No cry was heard, except that of the mother. The baby was wrapped in a pale blue blanket and placed into Addison's arms. The room emptied leaving the grieving parents with their son. Addison looked him all over. "He was perfect." She managed to speak._

_"He was." Derek squeaked out. "You are amazing." He spoke softly to his wife. He knew she would need him, but he wasn't sure if he could give her the support she needed. Maybe they would just have to help each other._

End Flashback 

Derek stirred against me and wrapped his arms tighter around me. "Morning." He said sleepily.

"Thank you so much for being here." I told him. I turned in his arms, allowing my head to fall onto his chest as he kissed the top of my head. I have never felt more safe and secure than I do in his arms. How can the man who cheated on me make me feel this way? I know; I know I cheated first but mine was a one-night stand, which he happened to catch. He slept with her for months, without telling her he was married. But he is and always will be the love of my life.

"Wouldn't be anywhere else." He muttered into my hair. "I love you so much Addison."

"I love you too Derek." Maybe the loss of our son was the beginning of the end for us, but now his anniversary brings us closer than ever. Who knows where we will go now, but I know that for at least one day a year my ex-husband is mine and mine alone.


End file.
